< Ivan's Southend Knocking Shop  

• Jenny Loveitt
• Kimberley as Michelle
• Sahvanna
• Shaz

What Fat Fred has done for Scarborough, Ivan hopes to do for Southend, Essex. It's written, directed and produced by Ivan, to which you can add starring. Unfortunately Ivan is fat, middle-aged, not hugely endowed, has little screen personality and has very limited photographic skills and technique. Most of the action takes place in his shabby Victorian terraced flat.

Sahvanna (Savannah?), an inexperienced young black woman arrives 'unexpectedly' at Ivan's for a test shoot. She expects some bikini shots (yeah, right), but after some clichéd dialogue she is persuaded to undress, then Ivan introduces Hungarian Naomi and a girl-girl scene develops. Naomi puts a dildo into Savannah's pussy and after some very squelchy rubbing does appear to make her orgasm. Now, having warmed Savannah up, Ivan does her missionary on the sofa and doggy on the coffee table, but poor lighting renders the latter invisible.

Ivan's mate Steve has come round for a session with natural blonde Michelle from Nottingham. Steve, who's being filmed filming Michelle, asks the usual excruciating questions. Michelle replies, claiming a series of outrageous hobbies (eating, watching TV, sleeping) and seems to want to subvert the direction of the interview. The scatological chat continues from Michelle as she undresses, but she gets only monosyllabic responses from the guys. Fortunately Michelle knows what she's here for, so strips to her white knee socks and sticks four fingers up her pussy. Steve takes the hint, drops his trousers and the scene follows a predictable course with missionary sex on the couch and cowgirl on the floor, ending with Michelle wanking Steve to a climax.

In the third scene, Ivan's driving off to the station to pick up Jenny Loveitt. Back at the house she's in her schoolgirl costume, which she loosens and works her way through a catalogue of dildos; in her pussy and in her arse, while keeping up a stream of dirty talk.

The action moves to the bedroom where Jenny appears in white bra and pants. Ivan says it's his turn now and it surely is. With Steve on hand to do the filming, Ivan has conventional sex with Jenny with her performance making up for Ivan's shortcomings.

In scene 4, Michelle returns for her first ever boy-girl shoot (some mistake surely? please refer to scene 2). Michelle's High Street fashion emphasises her everyday looks, but there's a hint of fun in her performance that Ivan misses completely. Ivan then fucks her in a few positions before wanking over her tits.

In the next scene, Shaz is cuddling up with Scott Gunn. Shaz assures us that she's a real porn star who loves bukkake and plugs her website, and Scott does the same, reeling off a few well known names he's worked with. Shaz dildos herself while Scott undresses, then Steve, who's on second camera, gets his cock sucked while Scott goes round the back to start fucking her. Scott pulls out and shoves his semi-hard cock in Shaz's face which, to her disappointment, fails to shoot. Steve seizes his chance and fucks her. Scott finally manages to cum in Shaz's mouth while Steve continues to fuck her and then produces a stupendous facial.

The final scene starts with some unconvincing kissing between Naomi and Michelle, so Ivan introduces a large double-ended dildo into the shoot. The action warms up with Naomi naked and Michelle in stockings, but then ends abruptly.

The guff on the box says 100% hardcore, 100% British, 100% amateur, well if you count the production values then at least the last statement is true. Everything Ivan does here someone else does better. Not a very auspicious debut.

Review by Bayleaf