< Fuck Me Shoes  

• Carly G. as Carly
• Ellouise as El Louise
• Keeley Magee as Keeley
• Sophie Saunders as Sophie

Running time: 102 mins.

They say that all men think about is sex. For women there are far more important things to contemplate, like shoes. Put the two together and you should have the recipe for a cracking film that will appeal to both sexes. Fine in theory but, as put into practice by Rude Britannia in 'Fuck Me Shoes', it appears to be missing something... quality.

Finding a pair of platform heels in the kitchen, Joe carries them into his lounge and places them beside a pole. As if by magic, Carly, dressed in a shiny purple boob tube and golden shorts, pops up in them and starts to wiggle and wander round the pole. A dancer she is not, but she knows how to tease. Crawling between Joe's legs, the camera eventually catches up with her as she puts his big black cock in her mouth. Pressing her boobs together tightly. she traps his damp dick in her cleavage. Carly lowers herself onto the erect shaft to ride reverse. The pair stand as Carly leans over the sofa to be filled from behind. Silhouetted against the window, Joe move his prick into Carly's arse. The two fall back on to the sofa to finish shagging. Mouth open, Joe jerks his load over Carly's face.

Sophie and her husband are browsing through toys at their local sex shop when Joe approaches. He recognises her from one of his films. The three agree to head home for some fun. Popping upstairs, Sophie gets changed. Slowly she removes her everyday clobber, pulling on her sexy black underwear and white lace dress. Calling the boys over, Sophie adds the finishing touch - thigh length black boots. Having taken five minutes to dress, Sophie strips in the congested gloom of the bedroom. As she starts to suck cock, the guy with the stills camera steps in front and flashes away. All three climb on to the bed with views of ceilings and feet. Sophie is having sex, but it's hard to it make out. The camera pulls back as she takes one cock doggy style while sucking on a second. More flashes as the three swap places to fuck missionary, then reverse cowgirl. With a look of surprise on Sophie's face, the first cock squirts its cum on her stomach. Picking up a camera, he photos his handiwork. The second guy wanks over her face.

A pot-bellied bloke sits in front of his computer dressed only in his blue shorts. He calls for Ellouise who clumps her way along the hall to the front door. A balding fellow enters and follows the pink clad Ellouise upstairs to the bedroom. Dull and out of focus, she dances round a pole. Ellouise obviously has experience from the way she hangs upside down and spirals. In almost total silence, Ellouise plonks herself between the two guys on the bed. They grope at her pussy and tits. Propping her head up against the pillows, Ellouise takes the first semi stiff cock in her mouth. A chopped edit and she's sitting on a guy's shaft. Some doggy and spoons action follows with Ellouise getting both holes stuffed. Finally, to the 'pop shot'. The guy is supposed to have cum in Ellouise's mouth but it looks as if she has dribbled half a tin of evaporated milk over her chin. The second guy's cum is no more realistic, with the rest of the tin of milk oozing from her lips.

In her pink robe, Keeley lies on the sofa chatting to Joe on the phone. He's just about to head over to her place. Keeley rummages through her clothes, trying on everything from black and white checks to a skimpy white lace bikini with peep toe sling backs. When Joe arrives, any decision about what to wear is thrown out of the window. All she wants to do is suck at his big black dick. Lying back on the sofa, her legs akimbo, Keeley invites Joe to lap at her almost bald snatch. With his tongue flicking over her clit, he reaches to play with her boobs. Down on all fours, Joe spanks Keeley's bum as he takes her doggy. The two climb onto the settee for a session of riding. Dropping down before Joe, Keeley gets her face showered in spunk.

Whilst the first and last scenes are passable, the two in the middle are totally inept. Dark, wobbly and at times out of focus, the last thing you'd expect is for one of the performers to take pictures during the scene. And where are the shoes? Sophie was wearing boots!!! Fuck Me Shoes is a great title, but a diabolical film.

Review by Dawn "Hot Totty" Birtle